Saturday, February 25, 2006
~ 11:15 AM ~
I'm weak, I'm at lost and I'm uncontrollable of myself, Oh God! What has happen to me?
This afternoon, my Church held a meeting at Cuppage Plaza level 5 just beside the toilet, weird huh? The unit leader assemble all believer in a room and which includes me. During the meeting when we praise and worship God, already I feel the devil is tempting and attacking me, make me lust girls and cause hatred to my brothers when they joke with me. Not only in the meeting, at the service too, the devil distract me from praising God and make me feel tired during the sermon. Totally no mood today (25.2.2006). When I moody or sad, I will keep everything inside my heart and stood silent like a statue. Sigh~, Damn! what is this? What am I doing? Is God testing my faith and loyalty to Him?
If God were to grant me a wish, I would gladly tell Him one thing which is to destroy my feelings. If my feelings is destroy, I'm totally free from depression and disappointment. Might sound stupid but everytime I see couple in my unit, the envious in my heart and mind get worked up! I feel so jealous, I tell myself and ask God why am I not the one? Each time when I ride bike and stopped in a red light, many vehicles will stop beside me and when I look around me, all I see is couples, boyfriend drive girlfriend from home in the front seat of the car. I wondering when will it be my turn? ride a girlfriend in a bike? I doesn't have this feelings at the beginning of this month, I'm totally free from those stuff, what on earth has all this comes to me? Could anyone wake up to my sense? Something bothering me and I could feel the devil is summoning me.
