I always want to tell myself that I want to overcome obstacle and defeat evil temptation all by myself without God aid because I wants to be Jesus right hand. Be the top of all God's people, but I keep failing myself. I choose to carry God burden for Him, each time I heard people backsliding God, someone being a Christian but don't want to committ, my heart sink deeply. I feel sad for my father in heaven, I do God a favour by convincing the fallen Christian back to Him, lift him/her up while they fall, strengthen the new believer, couraged them and since I have already choose this place for God but why aren't God help me with it? Why didn't He bless me? Did God hate me because I was once rotten and spoilt person? Did He gave up on me? So many question and yet so little answer.
After so many temptation without blessing, I feel like giving up, feel like dump everything I ever love for with no remorse. I am giving myself one last chance to stand up, If I ever fall, I'll never stand up again. The temptation is too strong for me to hold, If the devil success in me, I might step out of your kingdom. Pardon me God.

3rd day of CNY, yet again still feeling moody with no happiness on this big occassion for the Chinese.
Went to alex house for cny visiting today as he invited the circus of our usual friend for the same thing like any other common people would do such as playing mahjong and poker, we gamble but only a small sum. I gamble only a dollar or two, that's all. Don't intend to gamble a huge sum as I hate to be addicted and feel that when I lose, I won't regret a single bit.
Meanwhile at Alex house, my friend "Wong Chun How" aka "Ah ho" accepted Christ Jesus, It was a awesome news to God and as well as myself, He seek the truth of religion and decided to abandon his current one which was "Buddhist", I'll use this opportunity to strengthen his faith to Christ and build upon him. Let me do a favour to Christ Jesus, after all, my faith to God starts to wore off. Praise to you Lord Jesus Christ. Your grace has touched my devoted buddhist friend too much until he comes to you.
Now, I realise being a Christian isn't easy, you'll receive evil temptation and trial. Nothing is smooth being a Christian life, and it's tough to be the right hand of Christ Jesus, it's difficult to allow God to take notice of you but whatever the worst circumstances come upon me, I would want at least to try to overcome it. Always feel so depress over a minor issue especially when I think of someone I like. I feel so lousy and rot, I already a spoilt person, there's nothing more I can rebuild myself. God has already did His best, He change me and rebuild me but it only temporary. My faith is going to wear off soon...

The 2nd day of CNY, already I feel bored and no mood because of what and why? I also don't know, it's all because I have a crush on a girl too strong already until I miss her every night and couldn't sleep. Why do I have this feeling? Why do I have to like people and not people like me? Was it because I look like ah beng? Do I look stern? Do I look like a monster to girls'?
Went to visit stanley house for cny visiting today, he was staying in a semi-D, it was huge and nice, his mother was generous, she gave me ten buck for ang bao. Rarely, this would happen to any common families when visiting. Moments later, he accompany me to Mandai Crematorium to pay a respect for my Father who passed away with a stomach cancer on 22th oct 1987 when I was only a year old, my grandfather who also passed away with the same illness with my father on 27th Nov 2005, 2 days before my Motorcycle Traffic Police Test and my junior in my high school, "Ang Zijian" who was drown in Lower Selator Reservoir somewhere in June 2005, got to know him when I take part in the "Peer Leader" in 2002, back then I was teaching him and some of his classmate about anti-drug abuse. Really so much memory when I think of it, so much, so so much.
After visiting my 3 loves one, I had a chat with stanley regarding about Christianity and the second coming of God, we talk a lot, appromiaxtely more than an hour. We also talk about BGR, while we were discussing, all my past suddenly brought me back and I could feel the devil is controlling my life again. About my past of girls dumped me, that was when I change from evil, now I could feel I'm going back again when I rebel against and opposing God's people. Now, I do not know what are my thought and thinking now. If perhaps I could experience a true love in bgr now, things might turn out the other way round. Vengeance is what I have in mind now...

First of all, a very happy Chinese New year to everybody who reads my blog.
First day of CNY started today, feel so sick already, kept sneezing and sneezing from places to places and I can imagine how awful I look when in a sickening expression. Didn't really enjoy the special occassion on the big day for all Chinese. Sigh~ but nevermind, I manage to receive lots of ang bao today and it nearly hits my goal which is two hundred, currently got one hundred and ninety. Hope to receive more for this year.
A couple of days ago, My church organise a reunion dinner for gathering of all brothers & sisters at one of our brother house located between amk & yck mrt station which is near to Motorola factory. Miss the starting part of the event as BJ and I got lost while seeking our way there on a bike, reach there in half an hour later when everybody has fully gathered. Upon reaching there, the impact was great and the envoirnment non other that *excellent as it was a basement where everybody was gather, it was so hot while having dinner, so what does it call? "a hot meal". Haha..
After the reunion dinner for the dians, everybody then scattered around and do their own stuffs within the premises, some sleep, some play computer, some play cards, all I can say their organisation isn't very smooth nor even on the average line. We are a team and one unity in Christ body, so we shall behave and act like one, "One for all, all for one." One play card, everybody play. One play computer, everybody play. This should be the way I feel. I prefer my outside friend who is also united, and I shall influence my bro & sis with the skills I get from my outside friend one day and unleash it with full power and thus perhaps they can enjoy the fun to the fullest.

Went to watch a Movies "Fearless" with Jonathan & Stanley today at AMK jubilee, didn't really wanted to watch the show actually but was really bored at home, nothing much to do so just brace myself towards the feeling of going and the show doesn't really attract me due to the apparance and the design of the poster, Not to mention that I didn't regret it even thought I had no intention of watching it as it was base on a true story of a legendary hero "Huo YuanJia." Whilst watching it, I kept thinking about one scence whereby villager, do planation, hack trees, cut leaves, etc. It is really so true inside the bible Genesis 3:17-19, so directly related to bible during man disobeying God. For his punishment, He will have to work and sweat like hell. After all, It was a great show indeed, always thought the Hollywood films are the best, now a asian films is on their way to overtake them.
After the show ended, we went to have dinner, stanley and I were discussing about pillion him from his school tomorrow, and I jokingly tell him would you like to refill my petrol in full for that, unexpected he agrees and actually deep in my heart, I had no intention of pillion him, I was just merely hoping that he would help me for my petrol only after I send him home from the outing. That's all, I know I had go beyond the line by saying that to him, It is really outraged, can't be so evil. Got to change this attutide. Sorry dude!
Proceed to Jonathan house after dinner, he bought many things from NTUC and asking his shepherd to help carrying back to his house, he is very good boy from seeing inside but from outside, *ahem. Haha. So I went his house, having fun with his 2 pet dog, It was so lovely and to my surprise I also see a cat in his house. Wow, I think his house in another word is *pet shop. Saw 2 dogs and a cat. Really felt so surprise.
I think I have fallen for a girl in Dians, always think of her when I was alone or even lying on my bed before I fall asleep. She is a very sweet girl with a very sweet voice, gorgeous and a perfect height & mass for me, reborn with a long shoulder hair. I can see that she is very concern about me, willing to listen to my stories if I feel unwell, she desire me to grow in God but truly I am right now. But the fact is, If I really confess myself to her, will she accept me? Really had so much trouble of bgr this few years already if you read my entry at the beginning of my blog, and don't wish to get hurt again this time. I always like people but never people like me, so I think If I were to make the first move, I would gladly think twice.

Don't bother about my previous post of uncompleted entry as I got nothing much to say about it already..
After all day long of riding bike today, felt so tired and yet so happy as I got a CNY shirt already, love the design a lot. :D. Today went to swimming with Jasper & Jian qiang at safra, went there with a bike. I don't know how to swim but my purpose of going there is to relax my body inside the water and sleep, the feeling is cool, swam for about 1 and a half hour then proceed straight to queensway shopping centre to hunt for CNY clothes, went there with bike again. Can't imagine I manage to find my way as my brother taught me before quite some time back and unexpected I still remember the way, I thought I will lost my way but thanks God for His guidance.
After a couple of hour at hunting of clothes, I decided to return home as I felt very sleepy already but guess what, the road was jam. It took more than 15 mins to clear the jam area and very vehicles get to proceed smoothly, when during jamming that time, I feel like cutting in through the cars but always afraid that I will collide my mirror with others. Occur once already yesterday when I drive Jingmin back home from care group at amk, I hit a taxi mirror but it didn't break, truly thanks God for that otherwise I don't dare imagine what will happen if the side mirror fall off but after hitting the mirror, I decided to sped off and run as I afraid the driver will confront me. Now havin a phobia of cutting in, Oh God, what should I do? Stay behind the vehicles when stopping or just trust in God and cut through? Sigh~, hate traffic jam..
Many times car behind my back nearly hit me, I do not know why? perhaps my riding speed is too slow but I was under P-plate what, They as a qualify driver should understand my situation what. Sigh~, now I truly understand that they won't give way to you unless you make the first move.

After a couple hour of work in Chinatown which I mention in my previous post, I tell my boss that I don't want to carry on any futhur as I don't like waiter life but I sincerely wants to thanks Jonathan the kitchen desert chef for being so patient with me for my clumsy act and slow to react due to overwhelming of work. Really, I like someone who is patient, slow to anger. Enjoy making friends with them.
Right now, I'm hoping government quickly enlist me into NS, really looking forward for army life, doing lots of physical activities. *uncompleted post...

Today I start off my first day of work as a *waiter at chinatown, my mother recommendation me to this work during coming CNY season, it was so busy until like crazy, you dont get a chance to go toilet nor have dinner at any cost due to the overcrowd of customer. You kept movin about everywhere in the premises and being order here and there like a dog in the restaurant, it's all hell of work. And its past 11 o'clock already, still the crowd comin in and out like nobody business. No wonder I don't see local teenagers work as a waiter, answer finally struck into my mind, if you happen to see teenagers, mostly is foreign or otherwise local elderly. I guess no local teenagers would to suffer like hell and being order here and there for 5 bucks per hour, I would like to elaborate more on ordering here and there is like one table ask you for chilli and the other ask for extra utensils and the other ask for tissue and more worst some table even complain to you why aren't their dish ready? The worst comes to worst is, when you do something isn't satisfication to the customer, they show you black face. Been through this kind of experience before already, I guess this is the style of Singaporean but I don't refer to all of them, majority I guess. Some even don't have basic manner, when you serve them with dish and gave them what they wanted, they just ignore. What I always like to serve is cascausian, they are extremely polite and well-manner, they always return with a "thanks" when you serve them. This is what I always truly admire them compare to Singaporean.

I'm back here blogging again, just something to say about this blogger thingy, it involves a lot of HTML stuff to apply pictures, music and even archives. Not to mention, I'm not very good at it, owe to learn more. Imagine a IT or web design student here would surely do a impressive blog.
What I wants to say about this blog is really truly impressive, the effect of the background and title just like a own made personal diary. Haha.
Really looking forward to design a nicer blog... :D

Basically after I graduated from secondary school nearly 3 years back in 2003, I set a goal ahead of me which my dreams is to become a Movies Director, although it sounds unrealistic to achieve at this age but I still determine to battle through. Don't really know how to make a start to the process of that stage, so I begin enquiry and seek for advise, after several weeks, a friend of my sister who proclaim that he was from a school which offer multimedia, video shooting and film-making, I was so deeply impress by him, he graduated from that school. Wow, its sound so cool, he told me that the school is "Lasalle.sia College of the arts. And a year later, I begin my journey there and apply to be their student at that institue.
I failed in my 1st attempt of interviewing by interviewer claiming that my artwork isn't their standard, doesn't suit their type of juice. So they rejected me and giving me a second chance to prove myself, so i did. I draw a better one and prove them wrong and after the second interview, I got accepted. That was really a dreams come true for me, really thanks Paul from Alive Community Church who pray for me and aided me in my fight against obstacle, he was so encouraging. I'll never ever forget you!
After I had been accepted, I attend the school orientation on 5th July 2004 if i remember correctly, everything went on smooth, I was so nervous as I was surrounded by so many different type of faces and most of them is older than me. But the most saddest things is, no one approach me to be friend, I am very sad as I look around me, people get to know one another by shaking hand, talk and laugh at the same time. People only approach me when I approach them, how sad to have this situation happen to me. Maybe I dont look approachable, look stern and doesn't have a friendly type of look.
Although it is over for quite some time, but when you turn back and think of it, it is really hurtful memories instead of a sweet one. Now, I really dont know what is the future is going to hold, I can only move one step and look one time. Be it a good or bad want, I must learn to accept and face it.
And after I was dropped out of Lasalle.sia not long, God did actually plan something for me, during the mid of 2005, my mother friend who was an extras in both Mediacorp & Raintree picture approached me and ask me whether am I interested in doing filming for the company and I agree without any hestiation. During the filming, I get to experience the system and process of everything, and the first time I did was act as a cop in chinese drama called "Missing 20 days" which is yet to be broadcast. The experience was great even thought I play a small role there, I never demand much, have a chance to act in the show, I feel contend already.

Today 2 of my friend and I head down to woodlands causeway point and seek for a job in Cold Storage, I woke up early in the morning at appromiaxtely 8am, was waiting for my friend call as he was browsing through the newspaper, shortlisted it and regard it as a backup in case CS doesn't require any people. Presently I am working as a freelance in Mediacorp, the pay is fine with me but the problem is it wasn't a daily job, it only work about 2 - 3 days per week, my mother wants me to quit and I somehow agree.
So I stopped filming since then, and now hope that I could find a temporary daily job before CNY and hopefully work till government enlist me into NS. If possible, I wants to save as much money as I can so I get to carry on with my studies, I really wants to return to school and study. Been nearly a year since I was dropped out from Lasalle.sia due to my poor result in exams, has been regreted now for not working hard enough. It's ok, i exclaimed. Everyone will met critical circumstances and face it, no one life is as smooth as sailing a boat in a sea. Storm, heavy rain will corrupt it. So without futhur do, I do hope I could secure any job and work till NS time. God help me.

Two days ago, Hope Church Singapore hold a combine meeting of all DI people from group 1 - 6, each group contains 4 people or slightly more. It was quite fun as I get to learn new games, pray together and had fun together.
Mei Hua is our entire DI unit leader, she was the teacher in the class teaching us something new, entertain us and plan event for us to get to know one another better. All I can say she's patient, care & concern people and who don't get angry easily. During the mid of the session, my friend "Jean" join in the session with us, really feel so glad to see her around and all my sisters in Christ approach and get to know her better. The feeling was really awesome. I really hope that she'll grow more stronger and her faith is strengthen by God each day she lives in His kingdom.

This my story continue from the second post.
Each time I see a couple hugging and have their lips locked, I sometime unluckily happen to walk pass and sees it, It truly the impression of giving other people wasn't very good and to me, it did gives me a strong urge. So my memory has return to its original self, remind me of my past relationship whereby I kept being dump over and over again.
But right now, even I consider myself to be a gay, God actually did something to stop me such as giving me the feeling of liking girl but however I stopped myself as I really don't wish history to repeat itself again. I'm sensitive, big loser. When a girl rejects me as she treated me like only a friend, I get kind of piss off so I deleted her contact number and from that moment, we lost contact, regarded it as I didn't know her before. Not to mention, till now I didn't change much.
So as my phobia of girls continue, I ask myself, what if you treat a girl so nice? Will she likes you? Will she come up to you and appreciate for your effort? Will she fall for you? I guess neither will it come true to me. So from that moment onwards, I force myself to be cold towards girl or even treated them like a transparent. But I never did, for I believe not all girls are like that and I have evil minded thoughts toward girls but I only unleash it to the wall or even pillow. And all of a sudden, a courages sense of words flash across my mind which tells me that, "If life is all about relationship with a girl, what's else more meaningful in your life?" I guess let it happen naturally but I still do it, always have the bgr thought.

I had just pass my 19th birthday approximately 2 months ago and realize time really flies day by day when you kept yourself occupy, and this Nov will be I'll 20 years old. Alas, so fast going to reach twenty already, and youth is about to end. Better cherish my youth quickly otherwise regret.
As regard 0f my personality, and 19th years of living in this world, i find my life isn't satisfying enough, my general knowledge and wisdom compare to others, i am still quite far back. I got to wake up to my sense and gain more, but always find myself are slow and blur. I learn new things a couple of tries and go through fear and nervous. I'm a emotional person, not to mention feelings are hurt quite easily when someone made a little harsh languages or negative remarks on me. Enlisted to NS very soon, heard from my army friend that in the camp, the people train you uses many type and forms of vuglarities so i got to learn to resist it. God, help me with us, I'll need to overcome.
For this past few years, I have been seeking for a permantle relationship with someone i find it satisfying to my taste and type but however to my disappointment, all girls who I apply with gentle and effort has entirely gone to vain. Someone teaches me, when you like somebody, you got to buy her gifts, date her out, buy her meals just like any common guy would do, indulge her, etc.. And I remember someone told me before, "If a girl doesn't like you, even though you buy her ring, diamond or even grab the moon for her, she will also not accept you. Or what can i say, she will show pity for your effort." Have been deeply depress over the past few years because of failing to woo a girl heart. Sometime I felt that why am I not appreciate by people especially girls, especially the want who I truly loves a lot. They simply rejects me and expect me to stop contacting them, go and choose another guy instead of me and make me feel jealous and envy. It is really true that "Ai ren shi tong kua, bei ren ai shi xin fu.". (Love someone is suffering while being love by someone is like striking the top prize of 4D.) People always say, time is not right yet and i think it is only half true, you woo girls and in the meantime hoping she will respond and which God tied a string to both of your heart. Sigh~, 10 girls i like, 10 girls all reject me. What and who else in this world still can accept me? If whoever shows respond in my effort for wooing you, I wouldn't mind spending time invest the feeling and get to know you more better, date you out before involves in a relationship. It is indeed that everyone needs a love from parents or gf/bf. And what I only get is love from parents and rejection from girls'. Yes, God loves me, but he can only love me through spiritually and not physically. What I can say, love through physical plays a major role. Now, I am considering to be a gay, somehow a little phobia of girls already. Don't think will any girl shows respond in my effort, not because I have no confidence in my doing, after plenty of attempt already, I really got nothing to comments about, really feel like yielding. Now what the future holds, I don't even dare imagine.

What's influence me to create a blog was all basically I could pour out all my joy or depression stories here, and perhaps could allow people to understand me more. :D, so I would kick off my stories instantly after this post. Stay tune.... :-)