:: I'm going to have determination of what I do! ::

Friday, March 31, 2006

~ 8:35 PM ~

What's life man I wonder? It wake up to my senses and open my eyes that regardless whether you are a Christian or not, you still have to go through obstacles in life. It doesn't make you any stronger or smarter if you are a Christian!!

I'm lost in darkness!

Endless depression!

I'm discourage!

Who is there to help me lift up my heavy load, motivate me and cheer me up when I'm down!

Who is there...?

My burden is just too heavy...

Or perhaps, I should seek out prostitutions?

Thursday, March 30, 2006

~ 8:00 PM ~

It was my 2nd book out this week, as due to the commanders' trainning, I manage to book out early otherwise I'll have to book out on saturday afternoon. Still feeling unwell, sore throat and coughing. I was extremely healthy and fit before I was enlisted as rumor has it that Pulau Tekong water is unclean and mosquito loitering around the bunk area so many got sick easily, not to mention, some got sick till have to admit to hospital.
Trainning begin to get tougher as each week pass by, less time for leisure and more time for physical trainning and work. This week route march was 4km as all of us were instructed to carry a field pack, sbo and a rifle. The field pack was heavy as it contains all our personal belonging and getting ready for field camp, the weight was like 8kg and above, carrying on our back. In half way through, I begin to struggle and apply full strength in order to endure the pain in hope to finish my destination quickly. I look up to the sky, yelling silently in my heart to God, hoping that He would gave me additional strength to aid me in my route march, He did answer me, for just temporary only. I was in army, not as much freedom as in civilian, don't have so much time to praise and worship Him, can't He understand?
Later, my shoulder begin to feel aching and blood cannot flow through on my body, I approach a sergeant beside me saying that I couldn't hold much longer and the sergeant was kind enough to help me lift up my heavy load by pushing my field pack up from my back.
That was my worst experience in life...

During booking out day last night, a shuttle bus from the SAF take us to Paris Ris mrt station from the ferry terminal and later all of us were scatter into each different direction, I see some of my platoon mates got their girlfriend to fetch them and some talking sweetly and happily to their girlfriend on handphone. I could feel the depression boiling in my heart again...

Friday, March 24, 2006

~ 8:24 PM ~

Life in army is indeed tougher than I thought! 2 weeks has pass, which means I would be able to book out weekly with the effect from my next book in. The officer and the sergeant were using vuglarities to teach us, never will they be polite and friendly towards us. I don't feel good when vuglarities were unleashed on me.

A couple of days ago on the 21st Mar 2006, I develop a very high fever which cost me extremely weak and sick. When walking to anywhere else, I'll need people to grab hold of my arm and walk together with me. The warrant officer gave me permission to go home and asked me can I go to the ferry terminal by myself and I reply yes. Within a few minute, I got nearly collapse and fall, my condition got worsen till I need to be taken away by a stretcher and put into a jeep and ferry me to the nearby Medical Centre. I feel my entire body blood doesn't flow and body is vibrating, my head is spinning and having breathing difficulties, I could only breathe in every few second.
Upon reaching the opreating theater, a group of medic and a doctor surrounded me and gave me multiple injection on both of my arm, 1 of the medic divert my attention by speaking to me whilst all the medic treats me. The pain was unbearable as injection came into my body constantly, I yell to God silently in my heart but He shows no respond, I feel like dying. I don't feel God presence in me any longer.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

~ 2:28 AM ~

It was my first book out day in Pulau Tekong, by all means this friday I will be completing my 2 weeks in camp, I book out early because I was not feeling very well and had a fever of 38.4 degree. The doctor in camp gave me a 3 days MC to rest at home.
The day of my enlistment, Jonathan, Stanley, my mother and brother send me off to army! Actually I intend to called up some of my sister in Christ to tag along as well but most of them refuse to go due to laziness of waking up early. We call this a family of Dians?

I was given a lot of stuff by the SAF such as helmet, 2 pairs of boots, 5 pairs of uniform, trousers, SBO, camouflage cream and etc. All pack in a huge luggage, the weight was like more than 10 kg as its contain all army stuff in it and I have to carry all the way from the ferry terminal to our bunk, the distance was about 200m.
Most of my platoon mates were either from poly drop out if not poly graduate and A levels, so I must say I'm special and lucky to be with them as I'm the only N levels as my highest qualification while most of them is O levels. All of them are quite nice and sociable, they laugh at one another whoever speak nonsense to the Sergeant during lecture lesson and always share things among themselves, when early in the morning before dawn, all of us woke up to brush our teeth at the nearby toilet, we always greet one another "Good Morning", truly felt so happy to be part of them.
I got a platoon mate, his name is Nicholas Alexander, he's from Canada but his race is Eurasian as his father is Caucasian and his mother Chinese, he is more towards Caucasian side and had a fluent of both English and Chinese.
A few days after the enlistment, training begin to get tougher and the Sergeant begin to get stricter, we do all sort of exercise which primary and secondary school done before already and tons of push up and jogging here and there constantly for 30 minutes. Its really insufficient time for our leisure, once you get back to your bunk and rest after physical trainning, immediately you will have to change to your t-shirt and short to fall in for either lecture lesson, water parade or meal time.

More than a week in camp, really miss the food in mainland especially my favourite cheesefries in KFC, Ice-kachang, Sundae & Mcflurry in Macdonald.

It's been nearly a month since the last time I attended service on the late Feb, really lost the feeling of going to Church already...

Thursday, March 09, 2006

~ 4:08 AM ~

This is the last entry which I'm going to blog today and It shall remain inactive for a couple of weeks I suppose.

I would like to express gratitude to those who has been accompanying me through out my free time and also to those who bid me farewell during my last few days before I was enlisted, There are:

Jonathan Chua (a musician nuts) - who gave up his free time for me and accompany me to play Lan gaming, not to mention a generous shepherd of mine! I have a lot of respect for him.

Jeyaraj (a funny joker) - who gave me a key chain in a memory of our heavenly father Christ Jesus and never fails to create a laughter in our group!

Ace Veronica (a lovely lady) - who wrote so many letter for me, show her utmost care and concern for me during care-group and also in service. Bought a T-shirt which I loves a lot during my birthday last year!

Richard (a guitarist) - who also gave me a key chain reminds of our Lord and also had a last dinner with me with my hair on!

Jean (a cheerful lady) - who drew an interesting and amazing piece of art work for me, wrapped in an envelop!

Tobias! Kelvin! Cedric! Desmond! Jia Shen! Stephen! Jingmin! Mei Hwa! Joseph! Larry! Xiu Zhen! Stanley! and all those names mention above, I just wanna shout it out loud with a big thank you! Love you guys!

WE'LL WALK IN THE EARTH AS A FOLLOWER OF CHRIST AND WE SHALL WALK OUT OF THE EARTH DURING HIS 2ND COMING AS A FOLLOWER OF CHRIST!

Well, that's it for today! to be concluded. Take care everyone especially Hope Church!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

~ 7:54 PM ~

Went out with my secondary school friend Mervin to Changi Village to purchase my army stuff but to my disappointment the shop was closed and schedule to re-open the next day. Mervin was there to accompany me as he is having his school holiday and got nothing to do staying at home. Whilst at Changi, we don't wish to go back so early and had decided to have lunch there, I wanted to order Masala Thosai but they say the flour is running out and as well as the ingredient so I order Nasi Briyana instead. Most of the Indian food in Changi is awesome, would went there to have meals when I got the time.
After having our lunch, I tell Mervin that a few days ago a friend of mine told me that there's a building in Punggol which they perform Satanic act such as black magic, sex party and many more. The building was white in colour and located around 150+, I decided to check it out, I travel there with him on a bike and on the other hand he stays near there so It wouldn't be a problem for him to seek for the area.

The next day, I meet up with Jonathan and Jia Shen for the last Lan gaming at Ang Mo Kio, as usual, we play blue tower defense via dota. The Lan shop was previously a theatre and thus they manage to get a tons of computer for masses of people to have fun. Each day they learn quite a lot I guess as people constantly coming in and out. During the dota session, I pair up with Jonathan, Jia Shen and the other two was a outsider, 5 people a side. We barely lose as both teams was equally strong, I manage to frag 4 times from the opposite team. In the end, we sense the enemies is overwhelming us and we couldn't hold them any longer so we left the game.
After the Lan gaming, Jia Shen return home first leaving Jonthan and myself. As the night is still young, we decided to summon upon our Brothers and Sisters in Christ for a cup of tea or chit chat, 1 by 1 we phone them but unfortunately none of them could make it, as it was my last night of entertainment, I went back home disappointing.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

~ 6:24 AM ~

I went to Genting Highland on Saturday night (4th March 2006) at approximately 1900 hours, we pass through the causeway towards JB at about 2030 hours. There are 6 people in all, my brother friend (Sam), his girlfriend (Karen) ultimately himself and his girlfriend, me and my mother so to make it simple, there are 2 pairs of couple leaving me without anyone to tag with beside my mother. Sounds pitiful right? See the 2 pairs of couple mandarin duck in romance, holding hands and eventually laying to one another physically which get me unnerving.
At about 2200 hours at JB, we boarded the bus to Genting located at KL, it was 300km and took more than 6 hours to get to our destination. All of us will have to clear everything which contain digested food in our stomach before travelling as the bus constantly going and barely stop for toilet break. During our journey in bus, majority of the passenger fell asleep and I was listening to my mp3 player looking out of the window, staring at the stars in the sky, I was then listening to Hillsongs, praise and worship and imagine God is with me through out the long hours of travelling. When my mp3 player tune in to the next song which is "Shines like star" from the true worshipper, the feeling was so great and the timing was so perfect. While listening to that music, I stare at the stars in the sky and sang along in my heart, I could feel God presence in me and imagine him smiling to me from the sky. Jeyaraj was told me that I was lacking of something in life otherwise I wouldn't feel desperate for love from a girl, I kept thinking in my head and find it quite true of somewhat he say and the "lack" is a true friendships.
At dawn, we reach our destination in KL, everybody alight from the bus and walk swift to quickly seal a chance in checking in the hotel without the need of queuing up. Sam knew the hotel doesn't allow tourist to check in that early so all of us decided to take our own sweet time and walk in a snail speed.
Upon reaching the hotel, we booked 3 rooms, again you can understand who's in 1 room and who is with me. We then took a several hours of sleep before getting ready for some fresh entertainment at theme park of both outdoor and indoor games. What amuse me is, the roller coaster track link into indoor, imagine the ride started from outdoor and then slowly it came inside, the scream of joy and fun was a distraction to those who was having meal. Well, majority of these entertainment can be found in Singapore located at Paris Ris Escape Theme Park.
While was having fun at Theme park, my brother was with his girlfriend and me with my mother, it was truly a sad case if you could imagine. Nowadays, youngster would rather hang out with either a bunch of friends' or couples, and I with my mother. I doubt anyone can take this unnerving feeings when surrounded by couples and yourself with MOTHER! I don't enjoy the entire trip frankly speaking, what I enjoy most is my family in Hope Church.
My brother friend Sam and his girlfriend was out gambling at casino, I don't gamble so I didn't go with them but rather force myself to have fun with my brother and his girlfriend. While taking a ride at roller coaster, my mother didn't want to take the ride as she's a height sick! Again, no choice! I took the ride with them, I was sitting alone while my brother was with his girlfriend. What's this meaning I kept wondering deepen in my mind and underneath my heart. I hate being alone or perhaps am I destiny to? Can anyone explain? Most of the ride I was with them and my mother was busying taking photograph for us. I force myself to be happy even though It's only 2 days 1 night, I didn't want to upset my brother by displaying a dull face. I'm happy on the outside but crying on the inside.

Whatever are my dreams and ambitious, I could only hope. . . . could only!

Monday, March 06, 2006

~ 12:41 PM ~

I was away on a family outing to Genting Highland for 3 days and thus didnt had the chance to do blogging, will talk more about my experiences of joy and depression of what I had a later on. I would like to talk about now is a film which I bought during my journey to Malaysia which is The Exorcism of Emily Rose. It's a religion film, basically is more on Catholic and It is based on a true story. It does allow me have a rough concept of how Christ Jesus perfect plan works. Here it goes,
God plan this drama to allow people to come to know Him but He did it through Emily Rose, a lady who is extremely loves towards God. In the films, she was being attack by 6 powerful demons which causes disturbance in whatever she does and restless during her sleep, it does not mention all the demons name but one of them is Lucifer(the modern Satan).
Priest put himself into an act by casting out all the demons but they refuse to leave and shall stay where they are at any cost and all out of blue, an incredible scene shows Emily Rose soul was rise up into the air by the Virgin Mary mother of God saying she was given an option which is to leave her body and unite herself with God in heaven and have peace eternally or remain as herself in the body of torment so that through her many will come to know the realm of the true spirits and eventually God. She made a wise decision by staying and that come across my mind which I wonder how God would want to make use of His follower who sincerely gave up his/her life to Him?

Friday, March 03, 2006

~ 5:11 AM ~

Whenever I was on the road riding with a few of my Malay friend, recklessly when I change lane, most of the time I didn't check blind spot, I check my rear mirror to report clear from behind and then I swerve into the next lane unaware of vehicles beside me, which nearly cause accident and when my friend see it they was yelling and screaming at me. Always very blur sometime when I do things and also riding bike on the road. They said, "Bodoh (stupid in Malay), never check blind spot, want to turn then turn, you think your father road." It was amusing, as they kept scolding me vulgar languages in Malay and wants me to learn my lesson. I know it's my fault and no point retaliate to them, so I just kept apologizing. Moments later, 1 of them say something very meaningful and powerful, he say, "I think God loves you a lot, if not I think you would have died." And I was muttering in my heart, "Yeah! Amen!"

I had a discussion with my Malay friend, "Rizal" a few days ago over msn online chat, I wanted to know more about Islam so I enquiry my question to him, He says that Allah is the God and those whoever don't believe in it, he/she shall perish in Hell when they die and that makes me think that Christianity are somehow similar to it. Muslim closed their prayer by saying "Amin" while Christian "Amen", Muslim got their own bible too but wasn't sure of what languages they use and the same goes to Christian but they used in Greek in ancient times then later translate into English. To Muslim, Jesus Christ was only a prophet, and the person who dies on the cross wasn't Jesus, It was replaced, he exclaimed. Although there isn't any scientific proof on which God is true, each has their own belief I must say. It will be only at the end times when a true God would be reveal and the whole world shall know automatically on which God is true. Although I'm a devoted Christian, I don't condemn nor criticize on others religion. It do me no good on retaliate to my Malay friend.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

~ 9:24 AM ~

I was using on this computer shared among all my family members, I wanted to clear the files in "My Received File" folder and happen to see a video clip of a couple making out in NYP (Nanyang Polytechnic). The video clip was send by my elder sister friend, oops! did I committed an adultery in viewing it unintentionally. But anyway, I really do pity on the young couple, both of them was a student and the video was spread almost the entire Singapore and not to mention they are making privated copies of a Vcds in Malaysia. Right now, they are selling it I guess. I think they have their retribution by having themselves being film from privacy to worldwide. I am curious on how their parents were reacting to this issue and how are they going to face the world as Singaporean is not secretive about others business. As Jesus follower, I step out of this circumstance, apologise to Him for viewing a pornography video and eventually I deleted the file, I was kind of tempted to send it out to everyone in my Msn list but afterall I decided not to do it.

Things I wanted to comment is, approximately a week ago, My primary school friend and also brother in Christ "Bryce"and I went to spin the wind in the road with my motorcycle, during that time we had no idea on where to go as we have just finish our supper at Changi Village, I then strike a conversation with him asking do you want a girl who is extremely sexier than the regular want and also active in physical contact and he replied that he doesn't want a fake girl in Changi Village if was given a choice, he wants a real girl and so I decided to bring him to a real girl in "Geylang lorong".
Upon reaching there, the same things goes, the owner of the prostitute pester you when you get near to their shop and forced you to *buy their goods. As I have the spiritual power given by God, I manage to resist the evil temptation to have sex with the prostitute and as my friend side, he was being tempted fully with evil lusting on the girls', he told me he feel like doing it. I sense something wasn't right, I quickly ask him to get out of the sight immediately.
Whilst on my way home, Lord Jesus punish me for bringing him to such evil temptation places, He strike me with an unbearable pain in my stomach causing the solid substances that nearly came out from my anal and summon drizzly that hit my face painfully with the tiny rain drops, my helmet doesn't have the protection windscreen. The pain in my stomach was truly uncontrollable, It got me kneel down and yell in agony while I wasn't riding. I don't have such feeling before and when I went to places with devil in the house, God indeed punished me! This made me learn a painful lesson and feel God presence even more!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

~ 11:10 PM ~

I had my last care-group at the Ministry House today or was it the second last? but either way, I enjoy with my new care-group than my old. My previous want was fun but it only took an hour or slightly less, the care leader "Ace" leading was quite well but however I find the length was too short already, She got a caring heart, 1 by 1 she pray for them.
My new care group consist of all guys and the leader "Jeyaraj" leading was excellent, he came out with a brainstorming topic which get us to think and speak such as testimony, and what we do during our leisure and many more. The prayer he lead was powerful, I could feel the Holy Spirit in me, and felt energetic. Ironically, our care-group bounce into the same day with many care-group as well.
After the care-group, we proceed to have dinner at the nearby coffee shop. So as usual, we sit down and talk cock just like any other common people would do. Jonathan wanted to have the thrill of a motorcycle and I suggest the idea at the highest multi-storey carpark just beside the coffeeshop. Whilst he was testing the bike, I was feeling nervous and I'm afraid the police might come all out of blue and ask us what are we doing? Things which will not happen I always think it will happen, I'm just another imagination guy. So I keep a look out opposite the carpark and glance through everywhere around me to scout for police. If it's really caught by surprise, which means my licence will be revoked, fine and imprison as after I pass my motorcycle test, the instructor always say never borrow a friend without licence to ride or else face the consequence. I took the risk by lenting my brother to ride without licence as I love them, what they want of me I agree without hestiate.